Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me and

I walk alone

I walk this empty street

On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Where the city sleeps

and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone I walk alone

I walk aloneI walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me'

Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah,

Aaah-ah,Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line

That divides me somewhere in my mind

On the border line

Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines

What's fucked up and everything's alright

Check my vital signs

To know I'm still alive

and I walk alone I walk alone

I walk alone I walk alone I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me'

Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah,

Aaah-ahAh-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone I walk a...

I walk this empty streetOn the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Where the city sleeps

And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then I walk alone...

~ Green Day ~

Recovering... slowly but surely

i joined him and his mates for a game of squash yesterday evening. i woke up today with a thought in my mind : "we're still going to be friends, we're still going to there for each other". and i didn't break down in tears.

i'm slowly accepting reality. i refrain myself from questioning the reason
why. i refuse to drown myself in self pity. i don't want to cry anymore. i want to move on with my life. i want to be happy. i want to be able to look back and smile a happy smile knowing that what we had before was good. i want to be able to hang out with him again as friends. i want to be able to give him a friendly hug when needed.

i might have lost a wonderful relationship. but in the process of it all, i'm glad that i know the friendship will still be there.

and with that in my mind, i know that i'm going to be alrite.

I Fear...

My head tells me to accept the fact that it'll be better for us to remain friends. Circumstances has changed the situation, and it is nobody's fault that things turned out the way it did. In fact, i should be thankful that he was honest with me by telling me that he has turned into such an individualist that he can no longer share his life with me and treat me as how he had treated me all these years. And after all that we have been through, we'll always still love each other and will still always be there for each other. If that's the case, why am i still crying like a bitch?

There's so much fear in me now. I fear that i will not be able to get over him and even though we stay friends, the emotional baggage still lingers. I fear that because of the emotional baggage, i'll not be able to move on. Even if i did move on, what if i can never find anybody to share my life with again? And as i have also voluntarily resigned before securing another job, i fear that i will not be able to find another job.

It seems like i've lost all sense of direction. All sense of purpose in life. I've lost my self confidence. My sense of independence.

I'm as good as a lost puppy in a storm at the moment.

Emotional turmoil

I got dumped. My relationship is over. It is finally over and i have to learn to face reality. I actually thought that we're going to settle down. Heck, i even thought he was going to proposed during my birthday. The truth always hurt and i spent last weekend crying like a bitch. The last time i cried was when my maternal grandma passed away when i was 12.

Looking back, i might have been living in denial. I sorta knew that things were different and was not going well since October 2004. The telephone conversations were short, sometimes with both of us in silence. Time spent with friends were more important because his friends made him happier. We no longer went swimming together, instead he went climbing.

The reason given was because we grew apart. We no longer have things in common. Thas is still something that i do not comprehend. Our love has grown into a mature stage where things were kinda routine, we might have even taken each other for granted.

During all that time, i have always thought that i still lead my own life, that i maintained my sense of independence. Truth to be told, now that i'm single again, i have so much fear within myself. Simple things like who am i going to watch movie with? who will go jogging with me? who will take me to anywhere i want to go when my car is broken? who do i call every night and share about my bad day at work? who am i going to backpack with? who will be thinking of me every night before they go to bed? There're so many questions that are left unanswered.

He still wants to remain friends. I don't know how to react to that. I mean, he's still a wonderful guy, and if i cannot have him as a lover, i think i still want him as a friend. But i don't know how i would react if he started seeing someone else. If i accept him as a friend as i don't want to loose a friend as kind as him, am i in a way still hoping that things are going to work out between us again?

I'm in such an emotional turmoil. Pls help.